October 4, 2008

Sentences as Sensible as KC





These statements are as sensible as their subject: the beautiful mega-daughter KC Concepcion, but the construction can still be improved:

from PEP.ph



"It seems that nowadays everything that KC Concepcion touches turns into gold. The Mega daughter has numerous endorsements, has starred in the hit movie For the First Time, and she has a top-selling album under her belt."

The two sentences above actually make sense, but the construction can still be improved.

a. The double use of "that" is unnecessary, and jarring for some readers, when dropping the second one will still make sensel. It goes: It seems that everything KC Concepcion touches turns into gold nowadays.

b. There is no consistency in the series found in the second sentence: has numerous endorsements, has starred in the ..., and SHE has a top. If the writer dropped the SHE, the sentence still makes its point.

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